Sunday, December 27, 2009

I'm GoInG tO pArTy LiKe It'S 1999!!!

I am overwhelmed with Joy....What?!? I can hear the shock from the crowds. Brittney overwhelmed with Joy..?!?! Well you would be to....if....
After almost five years Mr and Mrs Thompson are finally not going to have 9 am Church.
I know you can boo me later...Im sure most of you thought I was announcing Parenthood for the Thompsons.
This is almost just as huge!
See Morgan and I have had 9 o'clock church sense we were first married. By moving twice and then to a ward that never changed. There was only one ward in the building and they liked 9am church. (Kelly let us both have a moment of silence for the Belvedere Ward.)
And then we moved into our ward now which was 9 am and has been for the last year. So...overwhelmed with JoY!
I'm GoInG tO pArTy LiKe It'S 1999!!!
Now if I could just make some friends in my new ward so I can socialize with other people besides Morgan. (No offense Morgie, Your Hot) Britt just needs some friends!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Today is a new day!

I just wanted to let you all know that I am still with you all and did not get committed or walk into on-coming traffic. With the help of a couple very dear friends...I came to my realization and my New Years Resolution. What is...IS!
The fact that good and bad people around me get to have babies and I don't...haS nothing to do with me. Do I still get sad? Yes! Am I still jealous of other people and there fertility? Hell Yes! Will I still remind pregnant women to shut-up and stop complaining? You better believe it!
I am though going to take my couple of minutes to be sad and then really try to be positive. I was really sad though all weekend and could just not figure out why.
Not being a Mom is something that I only I can deal with. I am the only one who lives in my head (well that's up for discussion) I can only tell myself how to feel.
So for my New Years Resolution I am going to try really hard to be positive!
I should tell you this....
Monday going to work I was so upset but hid my feelings pretty well. And then tuesday I looked at my cute friend who I see as a sister and thought...What am I upset about. So I gave her a big hug (We both cried) I told her I loved her and that I was here for her. I felt so great after! Letting my hurt feelings go had never made me feel better! I told her that I think I am a very strong person. I have been on this rollar coaster for almost FIVE years and I always bounce back. Once again the brick wall....I can take the beating. I Think.....
Well now that all of that is said....

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Feeling out your emotions

I feel guilty sometimes when I sit down to write these blogs. I sometimes want to just tell myself to shut up! Blogging to me is therapy and the people who comment on my blog are really wonderful people! So I feel like I am sitting in a room with a group of friends venting my emotions.
So Anyway....
I should not even be writing this but its my blog and I can write about any damn thing I want. A dear friend of mine who I work with and have known sense the was 16. I trained her and think of her like a little sister. Well she texted me friday night and announced to me that she and her boyfriend were having a baby. I was devastated! I have cried more over this then I did when we had our last failed placement. I couldn't respond to her TEXT and nor did I go to our office party that was the night after. She said, "I know you will be happy for me." I'm not happy for her!
I am a bitter ugly angry person again. I know that I have been fighting it for a couple of months hoping that this side of me would not re-surface but she has!
I am hurt and the tears keep running down my face. I want so badly to have the compassion for her that I know she deserves. How hard this must have been for her. But I can only seem to dwell on my own selfish feelings.
Yesterday instead of counting my blessings I screamed at my husband. Almost the whole day! I was a person who I hate! A person that I do not want to be. I am that girl again who cried every month going to the Doctors to be told that all the meds were not working. The person who layed on a table half dressed while I listened thru the paper thin walls of the couple hearing the heart beat for the first time and just crying!
I am back to my scary dark bitter side!
So my husband asks me what he can do for me? I wish I knew! I wish I was a stronger person. I wish with 100% of my whole heart that I could just forget about being a Mom and MOVE ON! Like accept the cards that have been dealt to me....and play the damn game of life!
And...I have to go to work tomorrow and I don't know how to act or what to say? How am I going to do this without walking outside into on-coming traffic?

Friday, December 11, 2009

The Tree

Ladies and Gentleman....My Christmas tree! I am actually really proud of this tree. The idea started at a dental meeting I went to in Las Vegas in October. It was right after the Adoption Saga and I needed to keep my mind busy so I wouldn't dwell on The Brick Wall. So during this meeting I found my mind straying so I decided to sketch. I started sketching some ideas about making my tree out of paper. I had wanted to do this last year but just never got around to it. I was so excited to have a project to fill my time with.
I am super excited because it turned out better then I had imagined.

So now my tree is up, my shopping and wrapping is done. I can just relax and enjoy the holidays! I Love Christmas!

This wreathe took me the longest! It was totally worth it though. I am thinking of making another one after Christmas to hang on my door. If anyone is interested....Let me know.

This is just my centerpiece on my coffee table. I did not spend any money on this. The ornaments are what I usually use as well as the ribbon. And I have a TON of pine cones from my cousins wedding that I use every now and then. Thanks Jody for all of the pine cones. They have come in handy many times!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

CoMiNg SoOn....

Pictures of my Christmas Tree. I made ALL of the ornaments from paper. It took me a total of probably 3 days...IT WAS SO WORTH IT! I am in love with the way it turned out. Pictures coming soon!