Today is a new day!

I just wanted to let you all know that I am still with you all and did not get committed or walk into on-coming traffic. With the help of a couple very dear friends...I came to my realization and my New Years Resolution. What is...IS!
The fact that good and bad people around me get to have babies and I don't...haS nothing to do with me. Do I still get sad? Yes! Am I still jealous of other people and there fertility? Hell Yes! Will I still remind pregnant women to shut-up and stop complaining? You better believe it!
I am though going to take my couple of minutes to be sad and then really try to be positive. I was really sad though all weekend and could just not figure out why.
Not being a Mom is something that I only I can deal with. I am the only one who lives in my head (well that's up for discussion) I can only tell myself how to feel.
So for my New Years Resolution I am going to try really hard to be positive!
I should tell you this....
Monday going to work I was so upset but hid my feelings pretty well. And then tuesday I looked at my cute friend who I see as a sister and thought...What am I upset about. So I gave her a big hug (We both cried) I told her I loved her and that I was here for her. I felt so great after! Letting my hurt feelings go had never made me feel better! I told her that I think I am a very strong person. I have been on this rollar coaster for almost FIVE years and I always bounce back. Once again the brick wall....I can take the beating. I Think.....
Well now that all of that is said....
I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND SUCKERS!
LOVE LOVE LOVE

Feeling out your emotions

I feel guilty sometimes when I sit down to write these blogs. I sometimes want to just tell myself to shut up! Blogging to me is therapy and the people who comment on my blog are really wonderful people! So I feel like I am sitting in a room with a group of friends venting my emotions.
So Anyway....
I should not even be writing this but its my blog and I can write about any damn thing I want. A dear friend of mine who I work with and have known sense the was 16. I trained her and think of her like a little sister. Well she texted me friday night and announced to me that she and her boyfriend were having a baby. I was devastated! I have cried more over this then I did when we had our last failed placement. I couldn't respond to her TEXT and nor did I go to our office party that was the night after. She said, "I know you will be happy for me." I'm not happy for her!
I am a bitter ugly angry person again. I know that I have been fighting it for a couple of months hoping that this side of me would not re-surface but she has!
I am hurt and the tears keep running down my face. I want so badly to have the compassion for her that I know she deserves. How hard this must have been for her. But I can only seem to dwell on my own selfish feelings.
Yesterday instead of counting my blessings I screamed at my husband. Almost the whole day! I was a person who I hate! A person that I do not want to be. I am that girl again who cried every month going to the Doctors to be told that all the meds were not working. The person who layed on a table half dressed while I listened thru the paper thin walls of the couple hearing the heart beat for the first time and just crying!
I am back to my scary dark bitter side!
So my husband asks me what he can do for me? I wish I knew! I wish I was a stronger person. I wish with 100% of my whole heart that I could just forget about being a Mom and MOVE ON! Like accept the cards that have been dealt to me....and play the damn game of life!
And...I have to go to work tomorrow and I don't know how to act or what to say? How am I going to do this without walking outside into on-coming traffic?

The Tree

Ladies and Gentleman....My Christmas tree! I am actually really proud of this tree. The idea started at a dental meeting I went to in Las Vegas in October. It was right after the Adoption Saga and I needed to keep my mind busy so I wouldn't dwell on The Brick Wall. So during this meeting I found my mind straying so I decided to sketch. I started sketching some ideas about making my tree out of paper. I had wanted to do this last year but just never got around to it. I was so excited to have a project to fill my time with.
I am super excited because it turned out better then I had imagined.

So now my tree is up, my shopping and wrapping is done. I can just relax and enjoy the holidays! I Love Christmas!

This wreathe took me the longest! It was totally worth it though. I am thinking of making another one after Christmas to hang on my door. If anyone is interested....Let me know.

This is just my centerpiece on my coffee table. I did not spend any money on this. The ornaments are what I usually use as well as the ribbon. And I have a TON of pine cones from my cousins wedding that I use every now and then. Thanks Jody for all of the pine cones. They have come in handy many times!

CoMiNg SoOn....

Pictures of my Christmas Tree. I made ALL of the ornaments from paper. It took me a total of probably 3 days...IT WAS SO WORTH IT! I am in love with the way it turned out. Pictures coming soon!

I hope everyone had a GREAT thanksgiving! I LOVE Thanksgiving! It has always been my #2 favorite holiday. This year was my sides turn in the rotation so we traveled to my parents house for dinner. I was in charge of the table setting...(My favorite assignment). Side note...Jenilyn or Jamie if you ever read my blog please show Pam these pictures. She would be so proud of me.
The flowers were my favorite part. I am kind of starting a side floral buisness for myself. I did some of the flowers for my sisters wedding and then did all of my cousins. I also have a couple more upcoming weddings. Anyway...I have really enjoyed doing it.

This year I am thankful for many things so I thought I would make a list....(In NO Particular Order)
1. My Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ
2. My husband and Best Friend Morgan James Thompson
3. My Dog Mable
4. My Parents
5. My Husbands Parents
6. My Siblings and there Spouses
7. My Talents
8. The roller coaster of Adoption. Even though I am REALLY feeling the motions of this. I know one day I will experience the Joy in the process.
9. Our Caseworker MaryAnne!
10. My Job and the people I work with.
11. My Home
12. My friends
13. My husbands job
14. My Grandparents, Uncles, Aunts and Cousins
15. Rorie and Peighton
16. DisneyLand
17. SYTYCD
18. My Christmas tree
19. My hubbys kisses

And...I am just very thankful for my life and EVERYTHING in it! The good, The bad and The ugly!


#1

Here are a couple of pictures of the table I did at Thanksgiving!

So I could not resist posting pictures of my cute family on Halloween
...and Yes...
Morgan and I are wearing matching t-shirts.
Judge us all you want
...We don't care!
Mable was the cutest little bumblebee!

Lack of Blogging

So does anyone check my blog anymore??

I have been such a blogger loser lately. For quite sometime I checked everyone's blog (almost) everyday and was excited to read about all the new and fabulous things people were doing. But ever since Morgan and I were thrown up against a brick wall, not really feeling the whole blogging scene. When I refer to the brick wall I mean... what is Adoption. Cause for us right now it is a brick wall! You get thrown up against it your face smashed up against the rough surface just to step away and realize that even though you have a couple of scratches and cuts, Your Fine! And your still on the other side of that dumb brick wall!

So what have we been doing?...

I decided that I needed a project to get my mind off the massive HUGE brick wall I was standing up against. So I am making my Christmas Tree decorations entirely out of paper. I am excited about how this will turn out and hope that it turns out as cute as it looks in my head. (Pictures to come)

I got a new calling....Drum Roll Please! Primary Singing Person! Hold back your laughter...Especially you Kelly! :) When the bishop asked me, Morgan OUTLOUD started laughing. Because the thought of his wife standing up and singing and leading ANYONE in song was to much for him to take. A part of me died that day!

Morgan got a new laptop...BORING! He has been basking in it's glory the entire day. I would not be surprised if him and the fedex man didn't embrace! School is going really well this semester and even though he is busy, he has not freaked out yet. He is allowed a couple of freak-outs every semester.

We are going to DisneyLand in December and I am so freakin excited!!

Mable is still the cutest Dog and I dressed her up for Halloween. I have decided that because I have no children I am going to become a Crazy dog lady. I dressed her up as a bumblebee! I will have to post a picture later. She was so stinkin cute!

Anyway...
Please someone comment on this post so I know that my Mom is not the only person who reads this...LOVE YOU MOM, YOUR THE BEST!

pEAcE