Sunday, December 13, 2009

Feeling out your emotions

I feel guilty sometimes when I sit down to write these blogs. I sometimes want to just tell myself to shut up! Blogging to me is therapy and the people who comment on my blog are really wonderful people! So I feel like I am sitting in a room with a group of friends venting my emotions.
So Anyway....
I should not even be writing this but its my blog and I can write about any damn thing I want. A dear friend of mine who I work with and have known sense the was 16. I trained her and think of her like a little sister. Well she texted me friday night and announced to me that she and her boyfriend were having a baby. I was devastated! I have cried more over this then I did when we had our last failed placement. I couldn't respond to her TEXT and nor did I go to our office party that was the night after. She said, "I know you will be happy for me." I'm not happy for her!
I am a bitter ugly angry person again. I know that I have been fighting it for a couple of months hoping that this side of me would not re-surface but she has!
I am hurt and the tears keep running down my face. I want so badly to have the compassion for her that I know she deserves. How hard this must have been for her. But I can only seem to dwell on my own selfish feelings.
Yesterday instead of counting my blessings I screamed at my husband. Almost the whole day! I was a person who I hate! A person that I do not want to be. I am that girl again who cried every month going to the Doctors to be told that all the meds were not working. The person who layed on a table half dressed while I listened thru the paper thin walls of the couple hearing the heart beat for the first time and just crying!
I am back to my scary dark bitter side!
So my husband asks me what he can do for me? I wish I knew! I wish I was a stronger person. I wish with 100% of my whole heart that I could just forget about being a Mom and MOVE ON! Like accept the cards that have been dealt to me....and play the damn game of life!
And...I have to go to work tomorrow and I don't know how to act or what to say? How am I going to do this without walking outside into on-coming traffic?

8 comments:

Christie said...

Oh Brittney, I don't know what to say...I'm praying for you. I love you.

Meg said...

Dude! I'm sorry you feel like that. I don't blame you at all! I wish we could just think about sex and all the sudden be pregnant! I love you and I know this sucks!! Keep your chin up and go on lots of vacations! Disney Land Here we come!!!

Kelly Stubbs said...

Brittney, take a deep breath. You can do this. You are a VERY strong person. You are an AMAZING person. You will go to work and love this girl because you think of her like a sister, and of course you want your sister to be happy. I love you Brittney! I am so sorry to see all of the crap that you have had to go through for the three years that I have known you. Do you deserve to have a baby and be a mom? Absolutely, 100% yes, you do!!! You will be a mom. In the mean time you will have to wait. Will it continue to suck? Probably, but you can do it! I believe in you, I think you are wonderful, you are one of the most talented people that I know, you are SO loving, you give so much of yourself. You deserve to be happy, and you will be! Look to the future Brittney, anyone who has had to deal with as much as you have is going to have an amazingly wonderful and happy future :)

The Allen Family said...

Oh Brittney... I'm so so sorry. I can't imagine going thru that. I love you!!

Cassie said...

{{{{{squeeeeeeeze}}}}} I'm sorry Brit... don't give up, keep hanging in there... love you.

Erin and Matt said...

We love you. We're always here for you! I wish I could do more - I just want you to know that whenever you need anything just call.

Meredith and Jason said...

I'm sorry Brittney. That sucks. Even though you have been going through this "adventure" of infertility a lot longer than I have, I feel like I understand a smidgen, (although I'm sure it really is just a smidgen!) If it'll make you feel any better, I was a crazy woman this week! :) Here's a novel for you:
On Thursday I had my monthly "check in phone call" with my Dr.'s nurse. I was late this month, and I was having other symptoms too. I told her this, and she got all excited and said I needed to come in for blood work to see if I was pregnant. Of course I got my hopes up and was ecstatic. Well, on Friday I started my period, and I was DEVASTATED!! I was angry, disappointed, sad, frustrated... I had a complete break down. That night we had a christmas party and were supposed to bring a side dish. I made this jello salad but did something wrong and it was completely runny gross. I totally LOST it. I started crying hysterically, yelling at Jason, and basically throwing a tantrum like a 4 year old. It was awful. I felt like I had no control. I'm much better today though! :)

Again, I'm sorry. :(

Amber and Eric said...

Brittney, I love you! I am so glad we got to talk on Saturday. You can come over or call me anytime to chat. Eric and I always have a prayer in our hearts for you and Morg. You are AMAZING! I know it's hard (well, I don't KNOW, but I can imagine). Just know that I am here when you need me. Have fun in DisneyLand!